*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.