*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
#growingpains
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”