*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
What a website
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this