The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it