“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
You Might Also Like
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”