FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
me opening up to someone
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail