Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.