An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.