Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.