I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Awesome parenting 😂
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
#dalle2