I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?