I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]