You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
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Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.