Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
#parenting
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.