The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.