Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
lol
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Ron is short for Aaronald
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
A wise man once said nothing.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!