People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”