Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I know
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done