Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
i love meeting boys on tinder
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.