*struts into the new year
~ trips
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.