“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
the council will decide your fate
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?