My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Every BBC series about the universe.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge