Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Hard not to take this personally
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
A choir of Spring onions