A choir of Spring onions
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name