8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
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I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Uh oh…
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Candles never taste the way they smell
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.