Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?