I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
When I pack too much for a short trip.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.