what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
why no one uses midhusbands
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.