just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.