Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
all bases covered
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.