Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.