ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
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Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]