Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews