Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Chemical wingman
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.