Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I think this cat is broken
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.