If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too