the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help