The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
You Might Also Like
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot