I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
all that yoga finally paid off
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy