Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
what kind of cook setting is this??
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating