Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?