I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes