My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’m not alone. I have ants.