Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back