If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
pep talk
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.