We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Mood.. 😂
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant