marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know