Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb