January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Lol.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank