How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.


[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too



I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.


I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on


I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.


So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?


Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.


*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops


Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.