How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.