@_SouthernMama
@simoncholland A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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@simoncholland 
@Book_Krazy [First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
@amentalrecess I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
@Coolisiana I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
@GingerHotDish I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
@Tbone7219 So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
@Rollmaninoz Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
@PSimp114 *carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
@walks_on_legs Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
@TEXASVETERAN I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.