Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.