Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*